Monday, May 31, 2021

Excerpt from "In the Company of Thieves": Cutting In Line for Faculty Appointments

 




Cutting in Line

You might think that law professors are sticklers for following the rules. In fact, the opposite is true. They do not regard rules, and especially University Regulations as applying to them. I have seen this applied to tenure standards and the composition of committees. I’d have to say in fairness to  law professors, it is clear that Universities ignore their own rules and even state law when it suits them.

There are many example, but one that stands out is hiring spouses. Under state and federal law as well as university regulation when a position is open it must be publicly advertised. This is in part to make sure there is no favoritism and so that people of all genders and races have a chance to apply.

The usual hiring season takes place in the fall and winter. So it was with some surprise that Dean Bob came to the faculty with a candidate for an environmental law position in the Spring. He said the University President wanted us to hire her. She  had not gone through the usual recruitment process, we did not need a teacher in the area, and we had not given public notice of the availability of a position. The faculty resisted so to some extent and the Dean explained that the medical school wanted to hire her husband and part of the deal was that we hire his wife. When asked what the consequences were if we did not hire her his answer was “catastrophic.” The faculty voted to make an offer although no one knew what catastrophic meant. She accepted the offer, basically saying to other would be applicants "Get the fuck out of my way? Don't you know who I sleep with?" and  with the understanding most or all of her salary would be paid by the central administration and the med school. In effect, a job for her was part of the salary of the hot shot med school hire. No way around this. 

After she was hired, in order to “comply” with State, federal and university regulations, a public notice of the job was issued. Twenty people applied. What they did  not know is that the School had violated the law and already hired someone for the job opening they were just hearing about. I raised the issue with several people in an effort to determine who had made the decision to violate the law and the response was dead silence. Law schools are experts at the "coverup." But this story has an even less happy ending. Within two years the hot shot med school hired decided he hated it at the med school and  the school was left with someone who would not have been hired teaching in an area that was already covered. The last I heard she had moved to who knows where with her husband but was still on the faculty teaching remotely or occasionally. 

When the rules are bent to allow spouses to cut in line one question that comes up is what to do if the couple splits up. Actually there is answer to that – you do nothing. So, in many instances, the spouse cuts in line through some unlawful act of the university or law school, is hired and then stays even though the rationale for hiring him or her has long since disappeared. Remember that the trailing spouse’s job was a form of income the person who was sought after. Evidently, that income is retained even who the sought after person is divorced, quits, or dies.

            Often when the spouse is hired he or she is in a different department. This raises the question of what happens of one spouse gets tenure and the other one does not. If one department really wants to retain the performing spouse, then the standards have be lowered for the other one.

            Maybe the most unusual spouse issue I have seen involved a professor who was hired on the merits.  His wife was hired to take the position as a legal writing instructor which is lower paying job with no promise of eventual tenure. The wife and husband desperately wanted for the wife to be elevated to a regular faculty position. She wrote articles and applied through the normal process. The husband was a decent teacher and good scholar but a bit of a jerk so there was not going to be a free pass.  After going through the process and being interviewed, she was not made an offer. It is entirely possibly that the collective hope was that if she were rejected maybe the husband would leave. The problem was his jerkiness was pretty widely known and he was not likely to be recruited. Personally, I liked him because, in his own way, he too was an outsider and spoke truths no one wanted to hear.

            It is an understatement to say they were bitter. It was a great example of the sense of entitlement of people who graduate from elite schools have. She was very upset about being a lowly writing instruction although their combined income was quite high. For some reason and  am not sure why, their bitterness became aimed at each other. Their divorce would make most messy divorces seem amicable. She eventually did get a regular teaching position at a 
low ranking school.

            Remember those articles she wrote while hoping for a job at her ex husbands school?

Well shortly after the breakup he began listing them as having been “ghost written” or ghost co-authored by himself. In short, he was now claimed that they had dishonestly represented as her work he had done as her work. The raised a bit of an ethical question. Were they both lying or just him when he claimed to have written he article with her name on them. Always wishing to make a bad situation worse, the battle between exes took to the internet when he sent an email with the subject “ungrateful bitches.” That pretty much put an end to any chance he had to move up through the law school ranks. In fact, when this all happened it was rumored that he had a visiting offer from Harvard. That was withdrawn.

Friday, May 07, 2021

Excerpt from In The Company of Thieves: Conferences and Vacation: Confercationing

 


        



    Confercationing is  when law professors claim to be going to a conference on the law school’s dime but are really on a one to 5 day vacation. The biggest on of these for law professors takes place in early January when the Association of American Legal Schools  meet. Not as big but easily a bigger boondoggle is the Southeastern Association of Law Teachers Conference which conveniently takes place in the summer in a family friendly location. Palm Beach is a favorite destination as is Orlando. Since Universities pay for transportation, meals, and lodging for faculty, the only cost to the vacationer and his or her family is transportation for the partner and kids and their meals. Pretty good deal for a week in Florida. I will say this about this meeting. There is very little hypocrisy. No one attending pretends to be doing anything other than vacationing on the school's dime. 

            Three things characterize these meetings. Since law professors are, by nature, climbers whenever you are talking to someone at these meetings they are always looking over your shoulder to see if there is someone more important in the room they could attempt to smooze with. The second is a contest over who know the best ethic restaurant in town. So people with gather in hyped up groups decided were to go eat. The discussion invariable comes down to who know the hippest place to go that no one else has discovered. Third, at these conferences members of a  panel present papers to groups ranging from 0 to 50.  After the presentation people can ask questions The questions rarely indicate something the questioner wants to know but is for the questioner to impress the rest of the audience with how much they should be reckoned with. It's actually pretty easy to seem impressive because the papers are almost always duds. The papers  drawn from already published articles or recycled from previous talks. The main idea is be able to put on your resume that you presented a paper at such and such a meeting.

            These conferences are pretty much a waste in terms of producing anything for the money spend but there is a even bigger sham than these two main conferences. These are the manufactured conferences, Someone gets the idea to have a conference on British contract law or South American Comparative. The law school provides a grant that could be used for almost anything else that would be more  useful. The conferences always take place in exotic places; not some small retreat where there is little to do but actually confer but in Rio, London, Amsterdam, Geneva, Paris, etc.

Here is an example of one of these manufactured conferences:

International Conference on Latin American Issues

Rio de Janerio

June 10, 2015

Friday June 10

8:30 AM Coffee and Pastries in the Lobby

9:30-10.30 AM Session 1. Evolution of the Peruvian Constitution, Room 23

Co Chairs: Eve St. John, Berta Hurns, Georgio Penata, Julio Peso, J.J. Fields

Presenters:

Coby Claster: Early Peru

Sylvia Macado: Peru After the Early Years

Paco Smith: Peru in the 1930s: Penises

Joan Streeter: Peru and Constitutional Reform

Miquel Mendoza: Consolidation

 Audience comments and questions

 

10:40 – 11:40  Session 2. Brazilian International Policy, Room 56

 Co Chairs: Zeke Palmer, Ted Crammer, Luigi Longo, Roberto Santos, Carmen Zips

Presenters:

Lonnie Funk: Brazil and Slavery

Festus Johan: Brazil and Argentina: History and Perspectives.

Chester Bores: Brazil and Acai: The Importance of the Smoothy

Constance Vaya: Brazil in 2024

Pepe Vargus: Looking Forward

 Audience Comments

 

11:40 - 1:00 Lunch: Box Lunches Provided in the Lobby 

 

[there are also two afternoon sessions, a time for a reception and then dinner at a posh restaurant]

 

 

            This looks pretty good, right? Maybe even interesting. But let’s take a closer look. Notice the location. Rio! Who does not want to go to Rio. Since the airfare is the same if you stay one day or two weeks, no one in his right mind would only be going to the conference. So this has convercationing all over it.

            You may also notice the number of co chairs of each session. A Chair is someone who contacts and schedules the panels. Having 5 co chairs is a sure sign of a boondoggle. Each co chair can list on his or her resume that they were a co chair without revealing that they did next to nothing and also justify the law school footing the bill. Perhaps their duties involved making one phone call to ask something else if he or she too could be a co chair.

            Now look at each session. They have 5 speakers. The session is an hour long. Take some time for introductions and then some time for audience questions and the speakers are left with about 40 minutes to present their “papers.” That’s 8 minutes each. So let’s say the airfare is about $1200. Two nights at a Rio hotel is $400 and meals, say, $100 a day. Is an 8 minute talk or listening to other 8 minute talks worth $1700. Put it another way. Each session has a total of 10 people involved and there are 4 sessions for the one day conference. That comes out to 40 people at $1700 each or $108,000 for participants costs only not counting any charge for the rooms and meals. There actually may also be a fee to attend.

            You will notice that there is time for audience participation. What audience? There is actually  no audience other than the people who are participating on other sessions who may or may not show up for anything other than their own 8 minutes, It’s not like a show for the purpose of advancing the understanding of anything by anybody. In fact, I personally have been a panelists when there was no audience at all. But the school still paid for my confercation. Thanks, taxpayers!

Monday, May 03, 2021

Excerpt from In the Company of Thieves: The Senator's Visit

 


The Senator

[This is an an excerpt from the diary of one of my more elitist colleagues. (Reprinted with Permission) The particulars of the story were generally well know  by every one including me but I will let him tell it in his own words. [I have changed the name of the Senator involved because I cannot guarantee all the facts.]

At Nine couple of weeks ago, I received the following from Dean Bob:

Memorandum

To: Professor Harris

From: Dean Bob

Date: February 7, 2007

Re: Visit of Senator Faceworth

As you are aware [I was not aware] the Law School has invited Senator Jerry Faceworth to guest lecture for two weeks on the subject of Labor Law. I would like to you to serve as his host during this time. I know you have many commitments [actually I don’t] but we need to put our best foot forward given that Senator Faceworth has recently announced his candidacy for President of the United States.

Please advise me of your availability as soon as it is convenient. Senator Faceworth arrives on February 15th.

I responded right away feeling kind of honored. Playing host to an honest to goodness presidential candidate sounded like it would be fun.

So let's  start with Senator Faceworth. First you should know that I read in the Times that in response to some questions about his private life he dared reporters to follow him around. "You will regret it. The boredom will be intolerable."

He arrived by private jet. A squadron of reporters arrived soon thereafter and more were waiting at the hotel when I took him there at about 8 P.M. I gave him my cell number and the phone rang a midnight just as I was dozing off. "Let's have a drink," he said. "I'll be at the service ramp. Be here in 15 minutes" I was and found him, a knit cap pulled low and wrap-around sun glasses. He was very direct about wanting to go to a student "club." I had no idea where to take him but drove him to a part of town with student bars. We parked and went into something called the "Music Store." Average age 21. By now, if you know Senator Faceworth, you know what happened. After 30 minutes he found me. He wanted to go back to his room. "Of course," I said, not realizing that the two coeds - one on each arm - were to accompany him. So, at 1:00 A.M. I left him as he and his new playmates quickly scrambled from the car and darted for the service elevator. This cannot be good. And, he is here for three weeks.
        The next night the same midnight call and it was off to the same bar. This time he emerged with two more pals.  The next day Dean Bob picked up the Senator in the hotel lobby – again was the ever present   swarm of reporters--  and took him to school. My assignment? Go to the service entrance and pick up his two companions from the previous night -- Heather and Misty. They piled in the car and immediately said. "Jeffy, Gar-Gar told us you would take us to breakfast and for tanning." And I did. What could I do? I wore dark glasses but I was a little nervous about the car that seemed to be following.

        So you get the drift. The man who said people would be bored if they following him was and absolute hound for college girls. And this went on non stop. Well non stop until some rapidly unfolded events.

The Senator is off to Bimini for the week end and I am sleeping.

Senator Faceworth evidently came back late last night, having taken Monday off. Judging by his sun burn, the trip to Bimini was a success. Now he is followed by a caravan of pink faced reporters. The cocktail party in is honor is this Thursday. He has not thanked me for the selection of single malt scotches in his office. I am beginning to look forward to his departure. I have had way too many Heathers and Jennifers to escort back to their apartments or dorms.

Two more midnight calls from Faceworth and four more Gingers or Kimberlys -- who knows, who cares. Even though I pick him up at the loading dock of the hotel and he has his stocking cap pulled low, it is not always fool proof. Last night at what has become his favorite bar I spotted a pink-faced reporter who I recognized from the caravan of cars that following us each day. He definitely saw Faceworth and then left hurriedly.

Faceworth finally made his break back to Bimini for the weekend. This time he took two Jennifers who were on the same flight to Miami. I took all three to the airport but dropped them at different places. At one point we were almost spotted by reporters and Faceworth hit the floor while the Jennifers giggled and did other unmentionable things.

 I am not cut out for this!! Word has leaked out among the faculty and today someone accused me of "pimping" for Gerard.

You know the routine. A midnight run and two Jennifers each night.
I find it very annoying that on our trips to the clubs the Senator sits in the back seat and rarely speaks to me. On the way back, he is in the back with his pals.
    Faceworth  left Thursday late for Binimi, too early the see the following article in today's Ivyville Sun. First you should know that that there is big photo on Faceworth on the front page leaving his regular bar at 1:00 with two Jennifers, miniskirts and cowboy boots. I am in the photo just barely. The caption: Senator Gerard Faceworth parties with friends and an unidentified law professor.

The article:

"Senator Gerard Faceworth, a visiting professor at the Ivyville Law School, has been photographed with two companions leaving the Campus Buzz, a popular late night gather place for Ivyville singles. Senator Faceworth only recently challenged reporters to follow him around after rumor emerged that he is something of a "womanizer." According the regulars at the Buzz, Senator Faceworth has been in the club several nights, usually escorted by a law professor. The routine is that he arrives soon after midnight and leaves by 1:00 A.M. with one or two college aged women. The hotel management where the Senator is staying declined comment. The identity of his law professor host is currently being examined."

        I am happy to report that Faceworth  called in Monday morning to say that he would be unable to finish his three week teaching assignment here. The Ivyville Sun article about his late night activities -- as surely you know -- has gone national, even international.
        Reporters are everywhere wanting to know the details and trying to identify his mysterious law professor escort. So far no one on the faculty had identified me.

Saturday, May 01, 2021

Draft Excerpt for In the Company of Thieves: Grade Appeals to Law Professors

 



Grade Appeals

To understand my stories is useful to know that law faculties, like most others, are assigned to committees. There are committees assigned to  propose candidates to be hired, committees to approve new courses, committees to review candidates for tenure and promotion. Some committees make long range plans, some study how to increase publications. The one I am on this year is called Academic standards. We typically handle appeals from students when something has been declined by an administrator. For example, a student can take a course at another law school and transfer the credit as long as they got a C. Those who  get a D or lower, which takes more effort than making a B, invariable appeal to Academic Standards to have the grade transferred.

Today the committee met  and had two appeals I had never encountered before. One was from a student who had just finished the first year of school and had received and A in Contract Law. She complained that the A grade, the highest you could get, was unfairly granted. Her story was that in the class she had become friendly with the teacher Ed Freddy, who we all refer to a Mr. Freddy. The friendliness led to lunch which led to dinner (all without the knowledge of Mrs. Freddy) and well you can guess where this is going.

They had falling out somewhere near the end of the semester and their fling was over.  Then the final exam came. In law school in most courses the final exam determines the grade for the entire semester. She took the exam and received her grade which, as I mentioned was an A. Her petition to us was that she only got and A because of the “services” she supplied to Mr. Freddy and that rather be treated like a prostitute she wanted a grade no higher than a B. We tabled this case until our next meeting to give a chance to evaluate her final exam ourselves.

Our second appeal today was equally bizarre. First you have to understand that law schools and other University department hire visitors who teach for a semester or a  year are not on the permanent faculty. Last year we hired Mary McCan to teach for a semester.  She was young, an average teacher, ambitious, frumpy-looking, and  lonely in our small college town.  According to the petition on the last night of finals she when out with a few students including the petitioner and she brought  one of them home with her. They were evidently quite drunk. According to the student, when he got ready to leave she blocked the door. In his words he then “obliged her as a courtesy”. The student got a B in the course and complained he did not deserve a B. In his words he did not know if he had “he’d fucked himself up from a C or down from an A.” He said that neither was acceptable and he wanted us to read his paper to determine if he deserved either and A or a C, which he was willing to accept.